I can text with my tongue
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
