dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
