Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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