When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
