college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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