I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
