I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
