I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
