shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
