She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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