I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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