She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
