I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
