I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
