Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
