The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
a search helicopter?!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
