Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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