Already got asked if we're dating
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
