Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
