Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
