When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
