When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
