Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
