What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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