Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
