how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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