she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
