I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
