and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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