this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
