At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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