My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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