What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
