I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
