That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
