If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
