can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
