Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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