Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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