Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
