Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
