Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
