I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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