my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
