after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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