How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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