I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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