I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
