I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
