I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
