I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
